What is Heartbreak?
Heartbreak is a physiological, mental and spiritual condition that halts the human body from functioning in any useful capacity in the areas of mind, body and soul.
What causes Heartbreak?
Heartbreak is caused by the deterioration or termination of affections, or the perception of affections, between one or more parties in a romantic context. The atrophy of affections can be caused by any number of factors, including distance, death, betrayal, hostile altercations and the simple passage of Time. Affections do not have to be mutual in order for their dissolution to induce Heartbreak and are frequently present only in one party, or else present in both parties but much weaker in one than in the other.
What are the symptoms of Heartbreak?
Symptoms of Heartbreak are known to include listlessness, sudden convulsions, unexplained sobbing, compulsive masturbation, shortness of breath, nightmares, urge to self-harm, fear of friends, fear of the sun, fear of reflective surfaces, an inability to remove oneself from the floor, malnutrition, and drooling. Heartbreak sufferers may feel a sensation akin to a melting star burning through the top of their chest and down into their stomach. Heartbreak sufferers may also become acutely aware of their lives as defined by cycles of decay that masquerade as ones of growth, which may cause the sufferer to be overwhelmed by a suffocating aura of hopelessness. Heartbreak sufferers may carry the constant sensation of being mocked by a hateful, unseen cosmic entity whose only purpose is to see that they die in a state of misery and capitulation.
Is Heartbreak contagious?
Heartbreak can cause worry and discomfort in friends, family and passers-by who come into contact with those suffering from Heartbreak, but Heartbreak is noncommunicable from Heartbroken parties to those not involved romantically with the sufferer. Heartbreak can only be spread between parties where there is romantic affection present in at least one person for the other.
Is Heartbreak lethal?
Heartbreak is rarely a fatal condition but can become so depending on how strong the case is to begin with and how long it remains untreated. A lethal case of Heartbreak is almost indistinguishable from depression and in most cases should be treated as such (the causal link between the two is still a source of contention among many medical professionals around the world).
How can I avoid Heartbreak?
You can not avoid Heartbreak.
Is there a cure for Heartbreak?
There is no known cure for Heartbreak; however, it is a highly treatable condition that often abates of its own accord after enough time has passed. Heartbreak can take anywhere from hours to years to recede depending on the case, but there are a multitude of remedies that one can take to hasten the recovery process no matter the severity. Recommended treatments for Heartbreak include listening to good music at a high volume, physical exertion, the company of one or two understanding friends with good heads on their shoulders, reading, screaming, and occasional breaks from stimulation where one can simply stare at the wall and gain some perspective. Contrary to common wisdom, alcohol is not recommended as a treatment for Heartbreak.
Is there anything else I should know about Heartbreak?
Heartbreak is rarely as serious as the sufferer may perceive it to be and frequently leaves the sufferer with a stronger immunity to it once it has passed. It should be noted, however, that even though symptoms may recede entirely, this should not be taken as 100% indication that Heartbreak has fully left the body. Frequent introspection and a willingness to trust without leaving one’s emotions entirely at the whims of another party are the surest ways to leave oneself prepared for future cases of Heartbreak.
Further information on Heartbreak and its effects and treatments can be found on your MP3 player and in drunken conversations with your friends.
![theatlantic:
The Real Problem With Hooking Up: Bad Sex
Freitas recognizes that the most lamentable aspect of hookup culture is not, as some social conservatives would argue, that it will lead to the moral decay of a modern Sodom and Gomorrah, but that it is so boring. Christopher Hitchens wrote in his memoir, Hitch-22, that there is nothing worse that boring people. Hitchens was correct, and even doubly so if one applies his wisdom to sexuality. Is there anything possibly worse than boring someone in bed?
Read more. [Image: DreamWorks]
I’m not in 100% disagreement with the thesis of the article itself, but:
“Professors and parents can intercept these questions, but most college students will probably ignore their answers. Pop culture is in the best position to reframe the romantic approach of teenagers and 20somethings. The shift from the sensuality and sweetness of Smokey Robinson and Motown to the aggression and misogyny of Jay Z and hip hop is one of many pop cultural changes indicating how entertainment reinforces and shapes hookup culture.”
Blaming societal problems on Jay Z is one of a multitude of factors that can indicate that the person writing the article you’re reading is not to be trusted with your brain.
Culture-baiting aside, this article is edited horrendously and paints a pretty broad, frequently inaccurate portrait of what “hooking up” actually is, at least in my experience. I’ve never encountered the level of joylessness in low-stakes sexual encounters that the author is describing here-they’ve all been pretty warm, smiley affairs. I don’t think it’s that people need to stop hooking so much as that they should have better taste in sex partners. Of course it can also become a problem if it’s the only kind of intimacy you’re capable of achieving, but that isn’t really touched on at all here since the author seems intent on throwing the baby out with the bathwater, thereby neglecting to consider the temperature of the bath.
Kind of a lousy piece of writing, is what I’m saying.](http://25.media.tumblr.com/e8136891c7a4976c45655b2e8276b535/tumblr_mkldnlKXGD1qcokc4o1_500.jpg)
